Betrayal

~ Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources. ~
Linda Talley

Recently, I wrote about this amazing story. Our daughter Willow has put herself in harms way countless times. When someone does not have an Autistic child, this is a hard concept to grasp. In the past two years in Tulsa three children with Autism have been killed. Several others have been lost or hurt. We were on the news the last time. The snap judgement for someone who does not have a disabled child is "Why don't you just keep track of her?" or "How could they be so stupid?" Only after someone entered our home could they know that we put deadbolts on every door upon moving in. Our windows are screwed shut to keep her from climbing out...which she would. We have the pantry and laundry room locked to because she makes terrible messes out of soap or any other gooey liquid she can get her hands on. Sometimes this includes her own feces or urine. My house is a mess not because I am a slob but I choose to put my time into relationships. I wish it were cleaner but I would rather hear Willow talk or her brothers and sisters grow up emotionally healthy. Chris and I also need time to decompress and get away either together or separately. So the laundry piles up and the dishes don't get washed as quick as they should. Only after someone got to know us would they understand the sacrifices we have made to improve her quality of life. Sometimes, to our own detriment. I cannot express the love and prayers that have been poured over her and for our family. She has absolutely no sense of self preservation and cannot comprehend that she can be harmed. It is an act of God that she has never been hurt...not even a scratch. It is a testimony to God's immense love for her and how she is here to lead others to Him. She does not have the ability to understand that behind every gate she opens there is the potential for danger. When we are searching I think of every...single...one. What if a dog attacked her? What if she gets in a pool and drowns? What if she gets hit by a car? What if someone has chemicals out? What if she was abducted and raped? This is my life. I also have three amazing other children that need to have their own emotional and physical needs met. They deserve our time too. I do my job gladly because this is my dream. All I ever wanted was to have a man that loved and cherished me. I always knew I wanted to have a "big Catholic family." I know it is hard for others to grasp but I love my life. The hardest part of my life is not the physical care of my daughter with special needs. It is living with the constant rejection and judgement I am subjected to on an almost daily basis. The most devastating kind is when it is someone close to us who chooses to be critical rather than loving. Two days ago, the ultimate betrayal happened. After Willow got out, someone called DHS on our family about Willow. They told them she had Autism and got out of the house more than once. The case worker showed up, unannounced. They questioned the older two kids, Chris and I were not allowed to be present. They asked my oldest if we kept any drugs in the house. I could hear My oldest defending her little sister through the door. It was my worst nightmare come to life. How could anyone doubt the love and dedication we have for our children? Chris got home and she proceeded to question each of us separately. Obviously, they found nothing but four happy and well cared for children (and a messy house). They found two educated parents who had many safeguards in place for their daughter. Since the two days DHS left I have been vacillating between anger and incredible sadness. I feel wounded and betrayed. Every time I leave my house I will wonder who called. They are closing the case in 30 days but my husband and I now have a permanent complaint record with DHS. Whoever the person was obviously didn't know us. That makes it a little better, sometimes. Then I think of the worst case scenario. What would have happened if the person that called got their way? What if DHS thought Willow was in "imminent danger" here? There is no residential home in Oklahoma for children with developmental disabilities. I am sure they did not know that. It would have put my daughter in state foster care. With strangers who are uneducated and have no clue about Autism or my daughter. Ultimately, this would have put her in a situation to be neglected, abused or killed. She also would not have access to her incredible school or therapists. Willow would also have no way to comprehend why her Mommy wasn't there. I have been reading scripture, praying and counting my blessings but the pain and fear slowly creeps back. I'm human. I am sure it will be this way for awhile. The best council I have received has been from others who have children on the spectrum or know of people who were also vindictively or falsely accused of something. I keep asking myself if they were worried about my daughter why didn't they stop by and offer to help? When did we start thinking that "Love your neighbor as yourself" was best done through calling state agencies and attorneys? Are we really THAT busy? It also made me think of how I have failed to reach out to others out of fear of being rejected or hurt. I also wonder what greater good can come from this. I may never know here. Until then, I can only pray for the person that did this and hope nothing like this ever happens to them. The thought of someone hurting like this is unbearable to me. I challenge anyone who reads this to look up this scripture. It is about love of your enemies. Read it, memorize it and live your life by it. God Bless you all.

Luke 6:27-36

Quote of the day...

"I'm not gunna share and I don't wunna share!"

-Landon Schiffli to his Mother when she reached for his popcorn.

A Mother's Struggle

I have battled this constantly. I thought I might share it with you. It is such a beautiful post. Hope you are having a blessed day.

40 bags in 40 days...

Okay, my attempt at 40 bags in 40 days was a complete flop. I know this because last night I cleaned up my toy room. We STILL have too much. I am making room for my sister and her baby to come stay with us for two weeks. Did I mention my sister is an interior designer? She has been on HGTV three times and has worked for such design Gurus like Michael Smith. My house is a complete pigsty. We are overrun with toys, papers, mail, and laundry, my God, the laundry! I am going to have to work like crazy for the next two weeks. I want to "bless, not stress" her with a clean home. I am not looking for perfection here. There is an understanding that when you stay with someone with four kids you are not going to get perfection. She also knows Willow lives here. Enough said. I play with my kids. I am a get down on the ground Mama. My kids are read to, cuddled, played with, we have great conversations and in general, are the happiest kids I know. Still, my sister likes a clean home. Nothing like family visiting to get your home in order! So, back to baggin!

Before and After

Before...

After....


Isn't it amazing what some new screws and a little paint can do?

Divine Providence

God is such a generous, abundant God. He wants to bless us. He is a wonderful father and wants so much to provide for his children. Sometimes you just have to be willing to look. In the past few weeks I have had wood floors donated, food, toys, services and generous friends stop by to help. His love and provision is everywhere I turn. This morning was no exception. I dropped the kids off and was driving through my favorite neighborhood on my way home. I spotted this. Only my heavenly father would know that I was wanting to fix up my back yard for my kids and leave this for me. They were throwing it away. I can't wait to sand and repaint it. I am going to do something bright and cheery:-)

Attachment Parenting

I am getting more lax as I get older with the kids. Something I SWORE I would not do! Anyway, with the older three we had a pretty steadfast rule of no sleeping with us. The only exception was when we had a newborn and I was breastfeeding. We had a co-sleeper and it was pretty convenient. Landon started crawling out of his crib around two. He would wander around upstairs and try and wake up his brothers and sisters. Not cool, since Chris and I function in a state of chronic sleep deprivation. We tried the twin bed in Alex's room but he would wake up in the middle of the night disoriented and terrified. Screaming. Loud. Very, very, loud. The other three would follow his lead. We would spend 30 minutes to and hour trying to console him (and his siblings) and get him back to bed. He wound up in bed with us. He's been there ever since. We have a nightly routine. He wants both of us to lay down with him and he goes RIGHT TO BED. We usually fall asleep before putting him in "his" bed upstairs. We both know that he will probably be our last baby so we are being indulgent. For now. Until then, I will have lots of cute pictures like these...

A picture thought I'm sharing

Wheres' Willow?
In here...

I let Willow put on the jets in my tub. The tub was overrun with bubbles! I think these are some of the cutest pictures I have ever taken of her. The fact she smiled at the camera is magical. I am going to make a slide show when I get the time.

Kind Conversation

Kind Conversation is a social network for Catholic moms. I started a group for Special Needs parents. Please join us...
http://kindconversation.ning.com/

My top ten for copeing

Okay, I am reading TONS of posts about how stressful raising families with special needs kids is. What do you do to decompress? I can tell you what I do and when I DON'T do it my world falls apart. Here is my top 10:
1. Pray.
2. Exercise and spend time alone AWAY from family.
3. Make a date night with my spouse
4. Call a good girlfriend and have a good sob. Don't laugh...it works!
5. Get a hobby or something I am working on that gives me pleasure.
6. Make sure that the other kids get time alone too.
7. Keep the house and order and keep my routine. Special needs kids thrive on it!
8. Do not allow my kids to miss therapy. At all.
9. Have my Mom come over or call her daily. Enough said.
10. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power.

Guardian Angels

This week has been a tough one. Willow got out from the house again and this time she was gone for over 30 minutes. We had to call the police. I really can't describe how terrifying this is. It is just something you have to experience for yourself. All you do is drive around and pray that when you find her she is not hurt, molested...or dead. As terrifying as these experiences are, they are Grace filled. You can see Gods face in every person you encounter. Her rescues are a miracle every time. Thankfully, it was a beautiful day when she got out. There were tons of people out playing in their yards and in the street. When they heard my panicked cries for Willow it soon drew a crowd and we started sweeping the neighborhood. I had 15-20 people out looking for her on foot, bicycles, and cars! I was flagged down by my neighbor Amy and she told me they had found her and she was safe. I let myself break down. She was in one of my neighbors backyards bouncing on the trampoline completely oblivious to the scene around her. In her own happy little world. The police showed up and I went out to greet him. I walked through the gate with Willow on my hip and all 15-20 people were gathered there, cheering and clapping! It was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. My community completely came together to help us find our daughter. I also knew God had his hand in protecting her when officer Baul showed up with a Saint Michael tattoo on his arm. My patron Saint for Willow. They are building a data base at the Tulsa Police. They took all of Willow's vital information, a picture, and where she usually goes. We have a case number and if we call they will automatically respond to seal the area. The Tulsa Autism Center is also working with the police to help get tracking software for these kids. We are also buying this in order to help track her. We are also looking into the possibility of getting a search and rescue dog for her. Anyway, keep her in your prayers that God keeps her safe.