Recently, I wrote about this amazing story. Our daughter Willow has put herself in harms way countless times. When someone does not have an Autistic child, this is a hard concept to grasp. In the past two years in Tulsa three children with Autism have been killed. Several others have been lost or hurt. We were on the news the last time. The snap judgement for someone who does not have a disabled child is "Why don't you just keep track of her?" or "How could they be so stupid?" Only after someone entered our home could they know that we put deadbolts on every door upon moving in. Our windows are screwed shut to keep her from climbing out...which she would. We have the pantry and laundry room locked to because she makes terrible messes out of soap or any other gooey liquid she can get her hands on. Sometimes this includes her own feces or urine. My house is a mess not because I am a slob but I choose to put my time into relationships. I wish it were cleaner but I would rather hear Willow talk or her brothers and sisters grow up emotionally healthy. Chris and I also need time to decompress and get away either together or separately. So the laundry piles up and the dishes don't get washed as quick as they should. Only after someone got to know us would they understand the sacrifices we have made to improve her quality of life. Sometimes, to our own detriment. I cannot express the love and prayers that have been poured over her and for our family. She has absolutely no sense of self preservation and cannot comprehend that she can be harmed. It is an act of God that she has never been hurt...not even a scratch. It is a testimony to God's immense love for her and how she is here to lead others to Him. She does not have the ability to understand that behind every gate she opens there is the potential for danger. When we are searching I think of every...single...one. What if a dog attacked her? What if she gets in a pool and drowns? What if she gets hit by a car? What if someone has chemicals out? What if she was abducted and raped? This is my life. I also have three amazing other children that need to have their own emotional and physical needs met. They deserve our time too. I do my job gladly because this is my dream. All I ever wanted was to have a man that loved and cherished me. I always knew I wanted to have a "big Catholic family." I know it is hard for others to grasp but I love my life. The hardest part of my life is not the physical care of my daughter with special needs. It is living with the constant rejection and judgement I am subjected to on an almost daily basis. The most devastating kind is when it is someone close to us who chooses to be critical rather than loving. Two days ago, the ultimate betrayal happened. After Willow got out, someone called DHS on our family about Willow. They told them she had Autism and got out of the house more than once. The case worker showed up, unannounced. They questioned the older two kids, Chris and I were not allowed to be present. They asked my oldest if we kept any drugs in the house. I could hear My oldest defending her little sister through the door. It was my worst nightmare come to life. How could anyone doubt the love and dedication we have for our children? Chris got home and she proceeded to question each of us separately. Obviously, they found nothing but four happy and well cared for children (and a messy house). They found two educated parents who had many safeguards in place for their daughter. Since the two days DHS left I have been vacillating between anger and incredible sadness. I feel wounded and betrayed. Every time I leave my house I will wonder who called. They are closing the case in 30 days but my husband and I now have a permanent complaint record with DHS. Whoever the person was obviously didn't know us. That makes it a little better, sometimes. Then I think of the worst case scenario. What would have happened if the person that called got their way? What if DHS thought Willow was in "imminent danger" here? There is no residential home in Oklahoma for children with developmental disabilities. I am sure they did not know that. It would have put my daughter in state foster care. With strangers who are uneducated and have no clue about Autism or my daughter. Ultimately, this would have put her in a situation to be neglected, abused or killed. She also would not have access to her incredible school or therapists. Willow would also have no way to comprehend why her Mommy wasn't there. I have been reading scripture, praying and counting my blessings but the pain and fear slowly creeps back. I'm human. I am sure it will be this way for awhile. The best council I have received has been from others who have children on the spectrum or know of people who were also vindictively or falsely accused of something. I keep asking myself if they were worried about my daughter why didn't they stop by and offer to help? When did we start thinking that "Love your neighbor as yourself" was best done through calling state agencies and attorneys? Are we really THAT busy? It also made me think of how I have failed to reach out to others out of fear of being rejected or hurt. I also wonder what greater good can come from this. I may never know here. Until then, I can only pray for the person that did this and hope nothing like this ever happens to them. The thought of someone hurting like this is unbearable to me. I challenge anyone who reads this to look up this scripture. It is about love of your enemies. Read it, memorize it and live your life by it. God Bless you all.
5 comments:
HI Tosha
I would not worry about morons. People who do not have a mentally disabled autistic kid have no idea of what you have to contend with especially if you have a wanderer like your Willow seems to be. You can join the long line of us who have be dobbed into family services or child protection or whatever they call themselves because our kids is at risk of neglect yadda yadda. Use thee visit if you have one to get what you need in terms of respite, a GPS system to rack her, whatever you want o need as a family to manage.. Child protection would not know what to do with Willow and the reality is that few foster parents unless they have had a disabled kid of their own would know what to do with her. You should get your local autism soiceity to educate the police in what to do if she wanders off again on you.
She sounds very like my eldest who is a girl and is now in a group home because I could not cope or mange her as she became older and bigger and she is not aggressive just very very hard work. Mentally she is about 18 moths only in a 21 year olds body. When she was your Willow’s age, she wandered off on us several time even going up the road to my mothers in the dark. We also had deadlocks around the house and a locked side gate. In fact our garden was locked down like a prison and I often felt like the warder.
The film that covers what it can be like to have a kid a the severer end of the spectrum is an Aussie film called the Black Balloon. In that film based on the director's child hood experiences of having two brothers with autism, they had child protection called don them several times as none of the neighbors’ had any idea of what the family had to put up with and they moved around al because their dad was in the army.
Evn htose wiht S can be wanerer lik ehtat 11 year odl girl who wandered off recently into th eFlorida everglades as she was not being iwht it and went on a nature trek without thinkign fully of the consequences.
Karnak
Ironically, the police are amazing here and work very closely with families. Several of the higher ups have kids on the spectrum. That is the sad part. That the police and my neighbors worked so hard to help keep her safe and one person destroyed my trust. I am scared to ask my neighbors or call police for fear of retalian again. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. They mean so much.
Dear Tosh,
I have been meaning to drop a comment on this for a few days but just haven't had time.
I am so sorry for you and your family.
Betrayal is so hard to deal with.
People like that exist everywhere.
When we lived in another state and town. WE were reported as our children being truent ( we home schooled them) and had someone arrive on our doorstep. Of course the report was made by and annonymous person and we were not allowed to know who it was. We lived in a small town and were the largest family in town My husband was very high profile in town as well.
Even today I am very tense about people being able to see our children outside and when we have people come to the door.
It affects your whole perspective of how you view what pople are thinking.
I feel for your family. I know how hard it is with Moran and I can't imagine how life can be for Willow and your family.
I look forward to the 40 days of prayer with you.
Are you posting here or at Kind Conversation?
It is May 1st here, well 2nd as I really should be in bed.
Not sure if this has been of use to you just wanted to tell you I care( that sounds lame really)Sorry
Blessings to you and much love
Gae
Sorry if this is a duplicate! I don't know why it won't let me sign in to post this, so maybe I'll post as anonymous? It's me from loveithere2.blogspot (Oh sure, now it seems to be working. lol )
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Ohhh, this hits so close to home. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I wish that person could live one day in your shoes. He/She would not make it very well.
I live next to a family that has 3 "typical" children. She has admitted to being obsessive about cleaning, to the point where she vacuums 2-3 times a day! As I sat outside yesterday watching Emily play, I kept thinking about how clean her house is and how messy mine was and how I wish I could be doing laundry or the dishes right then. :( I have even gone as far as wondering what our family life and home would be like if Emily were "normal".
Then I picture blue lips. Yes, blue lips. Emily had 2 seizures out of the blue this year (oops no pun intended), and both times I watched her lips go blue from lack of oxygen. I knew my world would end if she died. All of a sudden those dishes and that pile of laundry didn't matter so much.
So I'm learning not to feel guilty about my mess, although I do what I can so it won't get nasty. I'd rather spend my time watching Emily flit around the yard like a beautiful butterfly, than cage her in our living room so that I can do the dishes. She wouldn't stay in there anyway, safely, athough she is getting better! Anyway, the dishes can wait. She can't.
(Yes, we have locks on all the doors too!)
So BIG HUGS to you, Tosha. Keep praying, and just do what you can. Keep asking for God's help, and He will be there for you.
Emily is 10 yrs old, and I hope it helps to know that it will probably get better. Emily became less of a "houdini" as the years have gone by. I hope the same goes for beautiful Willow.
Keep your head up!! ((hugs))
Becky
P.S. Wouldn't it have been nice if that person had simply come over to see if he/she could help you somehow? You probaby would have said "no thanks" like I would have, but stay open to help from others....and keep praying that person has an open heart about this.
Thank you so much...
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